Earlier this year, I had the best visit from my brother's partner.
That weekend, I was waiting to hear from the specialist as to when my appointment would be and what would be the next steps for me in my health journey. The anxiety I felt was indescribable.
My brother's partner is incredibly special to me as I don’t have a sister of my own. I love my brother dearly, but there’s something special about having that “girl time”.
While talking about a whole range of topics, Luana brought up the concept of Indigo Children.
I had heard the term before but had little understanding around what an Indigo Child was. I’d always associated it with being a bit of a ‘hippie’ or ‘new age’ concept but had never really researched it.
“You are an Indigo Child,” Lu said.
I have spent the bit of time researching Indigo Children. Suffice to say, I don't have all the answers or the understanding. I don't even know whether or not it's a concept to which I subscribe. But the idea intrigues me.
Let’s start with what an Indigo Child is.
An Indigo Child is thought to be someone of a certain age in time, the Indigo age, whose spirit is further evolved. These Indigo Children have the purpose of assisting society in progressing further.
Indigo Children are not disobedient, but they do question authority and question structures in society. Indigo Children are more likely to ask “Why?” to ideas which most wouldn’t question. Indigo Children often have high IQs and have an overdeveloped social conscience. Some Indigo Children have reported being able to understand what is wrong with people simply through the power of touch. Others have reported being able to see spirits and communicate with them.
I cannot report any supernatural abilities. However, I can resonate with the idea of Indigo Children. That ability to resonate is what I want to explore further.
My whole life, I have been different. I have a genuine inability in many circumstances to connect on a plane that is meaningful to me with people my own age. So many of the conversations I have with people in my age bracket seem to me to be trivial - they don’t engage my brain in the manner in which I need in order to feel fulfilled. This has led some people to believe I am autistic. I am not.
I don’t have a mental illness. I don’t have a learning disability. I don’t have an attention disorder. I just think differently.
People have tried to put me in a box for years around my thought process to help them either explain or understand how my brain works. I know most people probably can’t understand exactly what happens inside my head. For me, it’s not important that people understand because it won’t make a lot of difference to them or to our interactions. But being so different can be incredibly isolating. And when people do notice a difference between their thought process and my thought process, it can be difficult to explain.
The idea of me being an Indigo Child is something that can create a point of understanding for people to some extent. There’s a label for them to understand a little better who I am and how I think. I am not necessarily agreeing with the existence of Indigo Children, but I think there is value in a name to explain people who think like me - because I am not the only one - and people like me are often misunderstood.
For a long time, I’ve been closed off to the idea of explaining some of my thought processes - why would it matter to anyone but me? However, if my story can help someone else understand Indigo Children or maybe help an Indigo Child self-identify, I see this as important to share.
I feel lonely every single day. I constantly feel like I am in a battle - me against the world. I feel like I think so differently to others, and when I try to explain it, it makes people uncomfortable or they simply just don’t understand. I feel like I was born with a purpose greater than what I am capable of understanding. I feel like the weight of the world rests on my shoulders when it comes to economic, social and environmental sustainability. I feel responsible for everything. I often feel like I’ve “been here” before. I experience déjà vu quite often with no explanation as to why. When I meet people for the first time, sometimes I feel like I’ve met them before and know more about them than what I should know. I know and understand things that I can’t understand how I know and understand.
I am told often that I am defensive. When I receive criticism, I want to know why I should do something differently, so I question it. When someone tells me that this is the way things are meant to be because that’s the way it has always been done, I question why and question if we could be doing things better. I often question the meaning of life in its entirety and spend more time than most would feel comfortable letting my mind go to some pretty dark places in search of this answer.
I know my strengths and understand the extent of my intelligence, but I can’t talk about this with people because I lose all my air of humility. I have often been told I am a narcissist when people have asked me to explain my intelligence. Sometimes, I feel the need to limit myself in order to make others feel comfortable. This is difficult for me because it ultimately makes me unhappy. I can easily get frustrated from this and start to feel lost - why do I have the ability to think like this if I can’t use it in society? I also get frustrated when systems don’t work the way they should work. I get frustrated when people don’t effectively do their job or fail to use common sense. I get frustrated when people won’t let me help them. I get frustrated when people won’t help themselves.
It is a struggle to get through everyday like this. My brain never switches off. I’m always thinking about what I can do, what’s next. It is difficult for me to think in the present moment and to think selfishly. I’m always thinking about actions in a larger network of churning cogs. People underestimate how much I understand and know due to my age, and they often assume I am immature and inexperienced. Of course, I learn as I grow and experience new aspects of life, but for the most part, I am able to think of the greater picture and am often right in the advice I give to other people. I think about myself last and often face the most difficulties due to that. I believe love is the number one driver of everything in our society and to love someone and give everything of yourself to the people you love is the most important thing we can do in life. I am usually the one to go to the ends of the earth for the people I love... it is not often that it is reciprocated. When it is, I feel uncomfortable because I’m not used to people who care. I assume the worst in people but still feel let down when people do not do what I would do in their situation. I hold people to incredibly high standards, but I hold myself to those standards also. I may seem overconfident, but I am also the most critical person towards me out of everyone I know.
The people I get on with best are 20 or 30 years older than me. I have always found speaking with these people rather easy for me. I fit into whichever room I walk into on the outside, but deep down, I struggle with interactions with people of my own age.
I could delve even deeper into my thought processes, but I hope this gives you enough of an idea to be beneficial to understanding someone who is a bit different.
I’m excited to explore further and find out if there are other ways to explain people like me and why we’re so different.